The Day The Nigerian In Me Kicked In (Yet Another True @ofilispeaks Story)
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True story…so last night (August 14th, 2014), I am at Starbucks minding my business typing ish on my laptop when this lady gets up from her original seat on the other side of the store and sits right next to me. I am jamming Superman music (don’t judge me)…but I keep watching this lady with my peripheral vision…she starts to murmur something and then starts to cry.
So instinctively I take off my earphones and ask “What’s wrong?”
She says she needs a cup of water…”I am like so go get it” but only in my head.
She continues …. she says she feels sick and is not feeling fine. Now the Nigeria in me kicks in…I am like…this lady wants me to get water so that I will leave my laptop behind and she will steal it and runaway…mba.
So I get up and tell another guy standing by the bar that this lady needs water she is not feeling well. I stand very close to my laptop never taking my eyes off of it. Cause to me ish is just not making sense.
So the guy brings the water to the lady and I sit down. The lady drinks the water, pops some pills from a prescription bottle and then settles down a bit. I pop in my ear phones and start to listen to Superman (again don’t judge me). But then lady starts crying again, says she is not feeling well again, that she is sick AGAIN and that she is sorry for disturbing me. I tell her “no problem.”
I then ask her if she is okay…she says yes…but as soon as I get back to my Superman jam she starts getting hysterical again, no one in the store seems to notice except me. And me … I can’t figure out what is going on and frankly I am scared. After some more crying, she says she can’t drive and that she needs someone to take her home.
Again the Nigeria in me kicks in, this lady wants me to drive her home and then on the way she pulls out a gun and says …. freeze! Give me your laptop and Superman soundtrack! mba!
So I walk up to the Starbucks bar (watching my laptop all the while) and say…hey this lady needs help. And then everyone in the store finally notices and starts staring at the lady, at which point she goes berserk like the stuff you see in those exorcism movies. She is grabbing the chair and whipping her hair back and forth and screaming . Crazy stuff…now I realize that either something is really wrong or she is a very good actor. I differ to the former.
Luckily another lady dressed in blue with a Methodist hospital uniform is in Starbucks at this time. I am an engineer so I leave ish like that to the medical experts. Methodist lady holds berserk lady and starts talking to her gently … lady calms down…everything is going great.
I ask Methodist lady if we need to get additional help, but Methodist lady says no and says “we just need to get in touch with a friend of hers to help drive her home.” But then instantly lady flips again to Exorcism mode. This time I am like, you people
need Jesus need to call the police or a pastor cause this ish is beyond my pay grade.
Finally after about 10 total minutes of craziness, the Starbucks barrister decides to call the Police. But then the Nigerian in me kicked in … this people want to call police and when police come they will say…this your laptop looks stolen, where did you buy it from, where is your receipt and why is this lady crying what did you do to her…mba o! So I left…before the
Ferguson Houston police arrived.
The moral of the story is to always trust your Nigerian instincts … it will protect your laptop and keep you away from danger.
Written and Experienced By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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