The Day The Nigerian In Me Kicked In (Yet Another True @ofilispeaks Story)

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starbucks_coffee_cup_doodles_by_abigailrawlings-d5a49boTrue story…so last night (August 14th, 2014), I am at Starbucks minding my business typing ish on my laptop when this lady gets up from her original seat on the other side of the store and sits right next to me. I am jamming Superman music (don’t judge me)…but I keep watching this lady with my peripheral vision…she starts to murmur something and then starts to cry.

So instinctively I take off my earphones and ask “What’s wrong?”

She says she needs a cup of water…”I am like so go get it” but only in my head.

She continues …. she says she feels sick and is not feeling fine. Now the Nigeria in me kicks in…I am like…this lady wants me to get water so that I will leave my laptop behind and she will steal it and runaway…mba.

So I get up and tell another guy standing by the bar that this lady needs water she is not feeling well. I stand very close to my laptop never taking my eyes off of it. Cause to me ish is just not making sense.

So the guy brings the water to the lady and I sit down. The lady drinks the water, pops some pills from a prescription bottle and then settles down a bit. I pop in my ear phones and start to listen to Superman (again don’t judge me). But then lady starts crying again, says she is not feeling well again, that she is sick AGAIN and that she is sorry for disturbing me. I tell her “no problem.”

I then ask her if she is okay…she says yes…but as soon as I get back to my Superman jam she starts getting hysterical again, no one in the store seems to notice except me. And me … I can’t figure out what is going on and frankly I am scared. After some more crying, she says she can’t drive and that she needs someone to take her home.

Again the Nigeria in me kicks in, this lady wants me to drive her home and then on the way she pulls out a gun and says …. freeze! Give me your laptop and Superman soundtrack! mba!

So I walk up to the Starbucks bar (watching my laptop all the while) and say…hey this lady needs help. And then everyone in the store finally notices and starts staring at the lady, at which point she goes berserk like the stuff you see in those exorcism movies. She is grabbing the chair and whipping her hair back and forth and screaming . Crazy stuff…now I realize that either something is really wrong or she is a very good actor. I differ to the former.

Luckily another lady dressed in blue with a Methodist hospital uniform is in Starbucks at this time. I am an engineer so I leave ish like that to the medical experts. Methodist lady holds berserk lady and starts talking to her gently … lady calms down…everything is going great.

I ask Methodist lady if we need to get additional help, but Methodist lady says no and says “we just need to get in touch with a friend of hers to help drive her home.” But then instantly lady flips again to Exorcism mode. This time I am like, you people need Jesus need to call the police or a pastor cause this ish is beyond my pay grade.

Finally after about 10 total minutes of craziness, the Starbucks barrister decides to call the Police. But then the Nigerian in me kicked in … this people want to call police and when police come they will say…this your laptop looks stolen, where did you buy it from, where is your receipt and why is this lady crying what did you do to her…mba o! So I left…before the Ferguson Houston police arrived.

The moral of the story is to always trust your Nigerian instincts … it will protect your laptop and keep you away from danger.


Written and Experienced By Okechukwu Ofili of
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Words by Okechukwu Ofili of
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44 comments on “The Day The Nigerian In Me Kicked In (Yet Another True @ofilispeaks Story)

  1. chidimma. on said:

    Rib cracking Okechukwu! What a great way to start my weekend!
    “The Nigerian in us” never fails…..

  2. I was thinking the same thing u did when she said you should get her a cup of water,lolz, Nigeria instinct indeed.

  3. Bwahahaha. This is too much. I can’t keep reading your blog at the office. It takes all my will power to not explode into laughter.

    Omo, that sounds like some serious exorcism type thing o. I am glad you took the time to help her though. Wise move clearing out before the cops got there. These are trying times in the States.
    Monale latest post is Ebola Unchained 2: I am Entitled to your Sh*tMy Profile

  4. Wow…

    Beautiful story; it flowed naturally so I easily connected with the character. I connected with your story.

    You’re such a fine story teller, Okechukwu. I would love to read more…

    Meanwhile, this story kinda reflects oneof the ishs I’m currently interested in – the influence of environment on behaviour…

    Thanks for this captivating and reassuring story.

  5. Olumide on said:

    The Nigerian go make u to deh always think 2 steps ahead n also not to trust anybody no mata how convincing they may sound.

  6. Ben Ugbe on said:

    Funny story,though the lady’s problem is serious.Sounds like a nervous breakdown.Better to step out of the way,than get into trouble while trying to be a help sometimes..

  7. I believe that the reason why some of us Nigerians have not grown to our next levels is simply because of this Nigerian in us. It makes us not to trust people easily. I tell most people when I speak to them that “we are not able to dupe whites because we are smarter than them, but because the whites have this mentality of trusting people so easily.

    Lord by fire by force, every Nigerian in me die, die, die, die adura. lol

  8. Like seriously? U are very right. I visited the US for the first time with my husband. We had an appointment and had to get a taxi. As we were approaching a gas station, we sighted a remote cab parked in a corner and the head of the driver was lowered. My husband started approaching the car speedily, na so i drag am back say, ma ko ba mi (Dont implicate me). What if the guy sights us approaching and decides to call 911 that 2 black people wanted to mug him. Biko, I no dey, na vacation I come do, I no be terrorist!

  9. Now the Nigeria in me
    kicks in…I am like…this lady wants me to
    get water so that I will leave my laptop
    behind and she will steal it and runaway…

    heheheheh..!! Not only the Nigeria, but the igbo blaad in you! Odiro easy.
    I have missed you for a verryy long time! Feels so good to read your blog after many weeks and after an irritating day in school..

  10. Seriously, how do you find these people? abi dem dey find you? lol. Note to self, please keep holy water handy next time you are in Starbucks. It may save your life, lol.

  11. Anastasiia on said:

    Sad to say but Ukrainian instincts in me are also of the same kind!
    Though the story is fun, thanks for sharing, it made me smile 🙂

  12. Sophie A. on said:

    Lmao! I still wish u lurked from behind something to know what happened in d end…u know, some amebo ish!Cos I’m dying to know what was actually wrong with her!lol!

  13. LOL. I just read this o, I actually laughed out loud- long and hard. I’m thankful no one else was in room cos they’ld have started ‘casting and binding’.

  14. Oluwatobiloba on said:

    Yes, the Nigeria in us can be bit paranoid, but it’s for the best. It saved you…. Nice write up…

  15. Now the people around me (not a single Nigerian) are wondering why i’m laughing so hard. And yes, this instinct of ours has saved me more than a couple of times.
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  16. The moral of the story here it seems, whatever you do, do not lose your Nigerian hat. Lol!

    Hilarious stuff… Uncle Ofili, if she had pulled a gun on you while driving her home, I bet she would have demanded for your laptop, asked you for your password and told you to delete the superman sound track before kicking you out. (not judging you. Lol)
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