The Satirical Wizard Of Duhs: A Somehow Original #Nigeria Fairytale
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Once upon a time in a far away town of Chibok … there lived a little girl called Dorothy Haruna.
Dorothy lived in Chibok with her Uncle and little dog named Toto. Dorothy aspired to be an Engineer and studied science at the local Chibok town school, where she and her other classmates attended. All was fun in the land of Chibok … but one day a horrible terrible and might I add very evil twister came to town…
It was very strong and everybody was afraid of it. People ran away immediately they saw the twister approach, even the towns soldiers. The twister was called LocoHaram because it acted crazy and had no pattern or logic! It just went around terrorizing everybody … even chickens.
Dorothy and her classmates tried to run like everybody else but they were just too slow … they tried to hide in their classrooms to escape the evil twister. But this twister was too strong … it literarily ripped the classroom building from its foundation and lifted it away with Dorothy and her classmates trapped inside!
The building eventually landed in a desolated area called Sambisa … Sambisa forest. It was a mysterious and very strange place that very few people had ever seen or heard. Lost and confused (and still dizzy from spinning of the twister) they wandered aimlessly around the land until they came upon a group of funny little creatures called the smunchkins. These little creatures for some weird reason had loads of gala and sachets of pure water which they shared with the hungry girls.
Dorothy told the smunchkins about the mysterious and very evil twister. She talked about how she and her classmates had been separated from their school in Chibok and how they all wanted to go back home to their family.
Sadly, the smunchkins had no idea where Chibok was or how to even get back. But they knew about a very wise Wizard … he was called the Satirical Wizard Of Duhs. A wizard that could grant any wish…any wish … but with satire. All she had to do was to wear a pair of magical red Dunlop slippers… and follow the yellow brick road. Actually it used to be a yellow brick road, but due to poor maintenance it was now just a red clay and dusty road … so goodbye Yellow brick road …
Dorothy and her classmates thanked the smunchkins for all their help and began to journey down the red clay roads of Sambisa … in search of this mysterious Wizard.
They walked down the road for a few hours and soon they came across a wide fields with lots of birds attacking a scarecrow with a funny looking hat. The scarecrow was being attacked from all sides and by all types of birds … foreign birds, baby birds and even homeless birds. But the scarecrow just stood there in silence looking sad. So sad, that he did not notice that Dorothy and her classmates had been staring at him the whole time.
Armed with sticks and gala temptations, Dorothy and her classmates were able to get the birds off the scarecrow who now noticed them for the first time…
“Why are you so sad.” the girls asked curiously.
“My brain is made of straw so I have no idea how to deal with birds, so I just let them shit all over me. If only I could get a brain.” the scarecrow responded.
“O that’s, not a problem. Why don’t you come with us? We are off to see the Wizard … the satirical Wizard of Duh’s! Maybe he could help you get a BIG brain!” Dorothy said as she spread her hands out wide to emphasize the word “BIG.”
“Really, I would love that!” the scarecrow replied.
Dorothy and her classmates untied the scarecrow and took him along with them. They journeyed down the road … the yellow brick road … sorry the red untarred road for several hours until they came to deep dark dark part of the Sambisa forest. This part of the forest looked very scary, it was as if all fun, joy and love had been sucked out of it … the girls were very scared and they should have been, because suddenly and out of nowhere they heard a voice yell “HELP! HELP!”
They turned around startled but they could see nothing, just the dense dark coldness of the Sambisa forest. But suddenly from the corner of Dorothy’s eye she noticed a Tin Man with a bump on his forehead brandishing an AK-47.
“Please help me!” the Tin Man yelled again “An evil spirit put a spell on my heart, now all I want to do is kill kill kill for no reason.” The Tin Man cried.
“That’s no problem” the scarecrow said not realizing that the AK47 the tin man was brandishing was actually a dangerous weapon.
“You can follow us … we are off to Wizard … the Satirical Wizard of Duhs. He could give you a brand new and much nicer heart! His going to give me a brain … a BIG brain.”
“Really” screamed the Tin Man as jumped in front of the startled girls. “I would love to follow you!”
What a funny sight it must have been in Sambisa to see a Tin Man, Scarecrow plus Dorothy and a hundred other girls marching through the forest. After a few more hours on the red dusty road, they could finally see the Wizards house. It sat at the top of a rock called the Ass-Hole Rock.
They had almost gotten to the bottom of the rock when a man with a huge Afro mane as big as a lion jumped in front of the group!
“STOP!” He yelled “God said this rock is about to fall! But if you give me your gala I would stop it from happening!”
His name was T.B.J … he lived on the pathway to the Wizard of Duhs and would often tell scary stories to travelers about things God “supposedly” told him. Of course most of his stories were lies but some of the travelers (especially the stupid ones) believed him.
The scarecrow was already trembling in fear and the tin man had already cocked his AK-47 ready to shoot … when Dorothy stepped up and said “That’s a lie!”
T.B.J was startled, nobody had ever told him he was liar … they may have doubted him or laughed at him at the back but not directly. And especially not from a small girl! He was flabbergasted! The shock must have hit his tear glands, because all of a sudden he started crying.
“Please help me…I need courage to stop telling lies.” T.B.J sobbed.
“That’s not a problem.” Dorothy said…although in her head she must have been thinking “What is up with all these grown men crying and whining all the time!” But she just smiled and continued …
“We are all off to see the Wizard of Duhs and he can grant us any wish. Anything we want…he is going to give the scarecrow a brain, the tin man a heart and he could definitely give you the courage you need. You can come along with us.”
T.B.J was excited! They all trudged along the pathway, up the Ass-Hole rock until they got to the top.
At the top of the mountain they saw the Wizard of Duhs (I mean duh … who else were you expecting!) blazing a joint. He looked high, very high. Dorothy tried speaking but before she could talk the Wizard interjected her …
“I know why you are here … every single one of you” he said as he coughed almost choking on weed seed. “Fucking Sambisa weed…too many damn seeds!”
And then he puffed the largest puff cloud the scarecrow the tin man Dorothy had ever seen, and from the puff cloud he pulled out a treasure chest Ghana-must-go bag metal bucket and it landed on the floor with a big bang. From the bucket he pulled out two items …
To the scarecrow he gave a large pink pulsating brain, to the Tin man he gave a red pumping heart and to T.B.J he just pointed at him and said “you have courage … duh!”
“But what about me” Dorothy and the other girls asked. “Don’t we get anything?” Our wish is to go home to Chibok and be with our families.
Smiling the Satirical Wizard of Duhs turned towards the girls and pointed to Dorothy red Dunlop slippers …
“Your slippers Dorothy … they are magical. With them you have the ability to go anywhere you want to go and be anything you want to be. All you have to do is tap either leg on this rock 3 times and make a wish … any wish” said the Wizard with a sly grin.
“Really, that’s all!” said Dorothy wondering why the smunchkins had not told them this shit earlier and saved them the stress of roaming around with 3 crazy men …but again she just smiled.
She kicked off the slipped on the right leg and tapped it on the rock … 1 tap … 2 taps … but before the 3rd tap could hit the rock … The scarecrow had tackled poor Dorothy knocking her to the floor … grabbing the slippers from her. She had not even recovered from the hit and was trying to stand up, when T.B.J pulled the other slipper from her left feet literarily flipping her up side down.
Before anyone could say DUH both T.B.J and the scarecrow had tapped the floor 3 times and made wishes!
T.B.J wished to become rich and instantly he became a very famous pastor … he still had the courage not to tell lies but he chose not to use it, instead he disguised his lies as prophecies and sold them to people for lots of money.
The scarecrow on the other hand wished to become King of the entire land … but in his haste to knock Dorothy out, he forgot the brain the Wizard gave him. But who the heck cared, he was leader of the kingdom. And so he led the kingdom with an iron fist red slipper.
Everybody lived happily ever after, well not everybody…
Sad and disappointed, Dorothy and her classmates returned to Sambisa forest were they lived with the smunchkins hoping and praying that one day someone would rescue them … they become known as the Chibok girls and their parents started a movement called #bringbackourgirls.
The tin man on the other hand was so pissed off with the scarecrow and TBJ’s bretrayal that he threw away his red heart away and returned to the Sambisa forest, where he terrorized everybody with his crazy hate. He became so scary that people nicknamed him LocoHaram after the mysterious twister.
And the satirical wizard of duhs … well he just kept blazing his joints, but on days he got really bored … he would spin his wand joint in the air and create horrible terrible and might I add very evil twisters…
THE END … as far as we know …
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. – The Smunchkins
Written and Illustrated By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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