Nigerian Church Buildings Now More Deadly Than Ebola (Satire)

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Breaking Satirical* News

bd6aFashola-TB-Joshua-9jaNinjaLagos, Nigeria – Church Buildings in Nigeria are now more deadly than the Ebola virus according to a recent WHO study.

The 52 page report established a fact that a lot of us already know, and that is that you are more likely to die in a Church building in Nigeria than from the Ebola virus.

This news comes at a bad time as the Nigerian Government has just managed to contain the deadly Ebola virus. But now there is potentially a newer and even more deadly virus … the CBC virus aka Church Building Catastrophe virus.

The first recorded CBC case occurred in November 2013 at the St. Dominic’s Catholic Church, Anambra. It all started when 100,000 people showed up for a crusade at a venue that was designed to take only 5000 people causing over 25 people to be trampled to death when a stampede broke out.

Health officials assumed that they had been able to isolate the CPC virus to the Eastern part of Nigeria. But just in the past month, two separate and deadly outbreaks have been recorded in the Southwest part of Nigeria … showing that disease is spreading.

The first Southwest incident occurred on September 12th, when the Synagogue Church building guest house suddenly collapsed killing over 100 plus people. And the last case occurred in Edo state when a one-storey building belonging to Christ Chosen Church of God collapsed killing one person. In both cases the buildings were not properly constructed.

“In the past one year, the CBC virus has killed over a 100 people in Nigeria making it 15 times more deadly than the Ebola virus” said the Health Minister of Nigeria at a recent press conference.

This statement aligns with the recent WHO report warning about the fatal nature of Nigerian Church buildings.

The ministry is working had to educate the Nigerian populace on the CBC disease and to dispel rumors regarding the causes of the disease such as the famous flying bokoharam aeroplane attack rumor. According to the ministry, CBC is caused by a combination of things namely dysfunctional pastors, indifferent politicians, high population of gullible Christians and failure to adhere to simple building codes.

PIC-2-LAGOS“When the chances of a Nigerian citizen dying in a Church building are far higher than getting the Ebola virus. It becomes a national crisis and we need to be adequately prepared.” said President Goodluck Jonathan as he visited the quarantined site of the biggest outbreak of the disease … the SCOAN headquarters.

This statement comes at a critical time as debates are ongoing as to whether people should be allowed to go back to Church on September 28th or instead resume in October 17th to allow government more time to ensure that Church buildings can handle the CBC virus.

The government is also appealing to the international community to assist efforts in containing the CBC virus and it seems to be working. Just yesterday, the US government introduced a motion in the House to send 3,000 troops of civil engineers and architects to Nigeria to assist the Nigerian Federal Government.

Nobody knows when the next CBC virus outbreak will occur, but several Universities and Educational Institutions in Nigeria are already working hard on a vaccine. Their hope is that by injecting society with a dose of knowledge they will be able to isolate and extract stupidity from the community. But so far the experiment does not seem to be working,

“Maybe Nigeria needs a higher dose of knowledge!” said famous Nigerian student Efe Adelugba.

*NOTE: This Is Not Real News … last time a journalist with South Africa’s enca.com was asking to speak to Efe Adelugba

twitterWritten By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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Feed his children at…no wait he has no kids…but he has a BB that has sadly reached its limit.

Ofili

Author: Ofili

Words by Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
Follow him on Twitter
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Read his crazy titled books on konga or okadabooks
Feed his children at…no wait he has no kids…. 

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14 comments on “Nigerian Church Buildings Now More Deadly Than Ebola (Satire)

  1. Finally! I thought I was the only one who was disappointed by how the government (both state and federal) have handled this matter! Is there a difference between this and terrorism by Boko Haram? Certainly not in my opinion! I watched the evening news the day President Jonathan visited the site and I expected him to state clearly what the line of action would be against the owners of that property for putting the lives of people in danger by erecting beyond the structural capacity of the building.
    But, alas- there he was, my President Jonathan commiserating with the owner- T.B. Joshua for such an incident. Such a big shame, to say the least!

    • Ofili

      Thank you Amenze. That’s what I was saying to Toona, its about the government just keep quiet, no criminal investigation … nothing! But when 12 small-boy* soldiers commit so called mutiny where nobody died they are sentenced to life … but 100+ people die due to negligence and nothing. That is jacked up!

  2. Oluwafisayomi on said:

    I beg to digress from the point of discuss for a bit,the level of Nigerians’ and their religious stupidity has gotten to the point where they leave their major problems alone and face what doesn’t concern them.The new trend is analyzing the “dorobucci” song and its lyrics,attaching meanings to each line and saying its spiritual and satanic.(How a supposed born again got to know everyline of the said lyrics more than me a “sinner” who loves the track beats me).I remember reading comments of Tb Joshua’s followers chanting at the time about how Devil and Enemies has being put to shame for wanting to destroy their “daddy in the Lord”….Well news flash for you guys,if there’s anything spiritual about this whole saga,its that your daddy in Lord just used all those souls for human sacrifice! Not everything is spiritual,just apply common sense…use your heads to think and use your feet to run…before they kill you either physically or financially or psychologically!

  3. On point Ofili!
    Let me say this – Churches need to be run like businesses – yes. There’s this local yoruba saying “Owo ni keke ihinrere” i.e. The gospel rides on money (like a bicycle). Another question is whether the pastors are properly channeling the tithes and special donations into their churches. This is why Christ embassy preregisters attendees for all their events, they want to ensure they are capable of accommodating everybody that is coming (this is related to the New Year Service Gate Fee issue), this is why they run their Global services on satellite and online to avoid having to bring everybody to one place. I’ve seen SCOAN on TV a couple of times, and that never looked like a well organized gathering at all. Churches n Mosques have a lot of work to do in ensuring the safety and comfort of their worshipers. It’s not just about the buildings: they need to take care of security, emergency services, proper human waste management etc etc. The Government has to work with them (and come down hard where necessary) to ensure this is done.

  4. You should write a non-satirical post on your stance and beliefs on God; clear and concise. That would attract traffic from your tribe members and non-members, and probably spark interesting conversations in the comments; everyone wins.

    • Ofili

      Grab a copy of How Intelligence Kills … I already did.

      NOTE: The aritcle is not about Church alone. Its about the government, why on earth is the President and Governor not doing more or releasing any statements about the core issues. Its like they are silently going to let this go quiet. And my job is to speak out the way I can and that is with Satire. If you have a view point as well feel free to share.

      • Oh, I know the article is not about the church alone, yes the way the situation is appalling as usual, sadly.

        I mentioned on writing a post concerning your stance on God, not in reference to this article. I’ll check for the book on the Okadabooks app, I’m guessing it’s certainly there.

        I’m sure you’ve addressed many issues on your site that’s been similarly addressed in the books; those who aren’t able to get hold of your books may have better access to your site, so still, everyone probably wins.

        Cheers.

  5. Numbers don’t lie! This is supposed to be a teaching moment for the church, and any other organization – follow proper procedure! Don’t jeopardize people’s lives by cutting corners. Why would any organization seek to build without proper approval? I understand that there’s a lot of bottlenecks (money must exchange hands) when dealing with the government, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for constructing a building without proper structural analysis.

    Per the preferential treatment SCOAN is getting, this is Nigeria, where EFCC is more likely to come after you for stealing fish then a politician who has robbed our country blind.

    Ofili, I sent you an email regarding this article. Please check your inbox. Gracias!
    Segun Pryme latest post is Woman Beheaded in OklahomaMy Profile

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