Nigerian Church Buildings Now More Deadly Than Ebola (Satire)
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Breaking Satirical* News
The 52 page report established a fact that a lot of us already know, and that is that you are more likely to die in a Church building in Nigeria than from the Ebola virus.
This news comes at a bad time as the Nigerian Government has just managed to contain the deadly Ebola virus. But now there is potentially a newer and even more deadly virus … the CBC virus aka Church Building Catastrophe virus.
The first recorded CBC case occurred in November 2013 at the St. Dominic’s Catholic Church, Anambra. It all started when 100,000 people showed up for a crusade at a venue that was designed to take only 5000 people causing over 25 people to be trampled to death when a stampede broke out.
Health officials assumed that they had been able to isolate the CPC virus to the Eastern part of Nigeria. But just in the past month, two separate and deadly outbreaks have been recorded in the Southwest part of Nigeria … showing that disease is spreading.
The first Southwest incident occurred on September 12th, when the Synagogue Church building guest house suddenly collapsed killing over 100 plus people. And the last case occurred in Edo state when a one-storey building belonging to Christ Chosen Church of God collapsed killing one person. In both cases the buildings were not properly constructed.
“In the past one year, the CBC virus has killed over a 100 people in Nigeria making it 15 times more deadly than the Ebola virus” said the Health Minister of Nigeria at a recent press conference.
This statement aligns with the recent WHO report warning about the fatal nature of Nigerian Church buildings.
The ministry is working had to educate the Nigerian populace on the CBC disease and to dispel rumors regarding the causes of the disease such as the famous flying bokoharam aeroplane attack rumor. According to the ministry, CBC is caused by a combination of things namely dysfunctional pastors, indifferent politicians, high population of gullible Christians and failure to adhere to simple building codes.
“When the chances of a Nigerian citizen dying in a Church building are far higher than getting the Ebola virus. It becomes a national crisis and we need to be adequately prepared.” said President Goodluck Jonathan as he visited the quarantined site of the biggest outbreak of the disease … the SCOAN headquarters.
This statement comes at a critical time as debates are ongoing as to whether people should be allowed to go back to Church on September 28th or instead resume in October 17th to allow government more time to ensure that Church buildings can handle the CBC virus.
The government is also appealing to the international community to assist efforts in containing the CBC virus and it seems to be working. Just yesterday, the US government introduced a motion in the House to send 3,000 troops of civil engineers and architects to Nigeria to assist the Nigerian Federal Government.
Nobody knows when the next CBC virus outbreak will occur, but several Universities and Educational Institutions in Nigeria are already working hard on a vaccine. Their hope is that by injecting society with a dose of knowledge they will be able to isolate and extract stupidity from the community. But so far the experiment does not seem to be working,
“Maybe Nigeria needs a higher dose of knowledge!” said famous Nigerian student Efe Adelugba.
Written By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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