How To Run For President Of #Nigeria In 9 Easy Steps #PDP #APC

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This is an exclusive never before seen comprehensive guide to running for President of Nigeria … it was firstly commissioned in 1999 and since then it has evolved into a powerful document. And for the first time ever … thanks to the awesome research team at ofilispeaks.com (even Eric Snowden could not enter this team) we have all 9 steps needed to run for President of Nigeria.

Step #1: Run But Don’t Run

Now before you can run for President of Nigeria, you first of all have to prove that you cannot run physically. Let me explain … if you can run a 100 meters dash in less than 20 seconds, then your Cholesterol is too low, your Pot-belly too small and you are probably too young to be President of Nigeria. Wait 4 more years … because Nigerians respect old age, if you can’t even run and have to move around in a wheelchair your chance of being President increases. Remember “run but don’t run.”

Step #2: Don’t Buy* A Nomination Form

Now that you have passed the first step … the next step is to buy the Presidential nomination form. Now this form is expensive, like 27.5 million Naira … but as a politician that is chicken change for you.

But if you go and buy the form with cash Nigerians will think you are rich and there is nothing that Nigerians hate more than a rich politician. Nigerians want to know that their politicians are very poor, very very poor! So when it comes to nomination form … buy the form but with a loan.

After that, let Nigerians know how you struggled to get the loan … how you put your only house up as collateral and how broke you and your family are now. If you cannot get a loan, you can always get a set of poor organizations like the Cattle Breeders Union or the Market Women Association to come together to buy your nomination form for you. Nothing says “poor” better than hundreds of poor people coming together to buy a 27,000,000 Naira nomination form for you!

nominations

Step #3: Create A Captivating Campaign Slogan

Now that you have your nomination form filled out and accepted by INEC the next step is to find something to campaign on. Don’t pick serious stuff like unemployment or jobs … who are you kidding! Not even Jesus can solve that shit.

Instead pick something that all Nigerians can relate to … like Rice … every Nigerian has to eat so sprinkle that rice seed all over the nation and watch as your votes grow. And if rice is too controversial, remember you can always run literarily on shit…

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Step #4: Whatever You Do Don’t Debate

If you want to be President of Nigeria…avoid all forms of debates. What! You want to expose the fact that you don’t know anything or expose your brutal army dictatorship background or even face the scrutiny of the lazy Nigerian media?

Please…Debates are for Oyinbo people … ndi obodo oyibo … don’t debate because debates are dangerous and they could reveal your evil past or incompetent present!

General Muhammadu Buhari of Nigeria After Coup

Step #5: Fake the Primaries

Women fake orgasms so their men feel good about their sexual prowess. Well as a Nigerian politicians you have to fake Primaries to make Nigerians feel good about their Democratic process.

So please by all means do the Primaries, smile in front of the cameras, make it seem like the results are unknown … but you know that is bullshit because there are really no Primaries, just Godfather’s.

So find your party Godfather and buy get his blessing … then act through out the Primaries until the final vote is complete. As long as the correct Godfather is on your side you are guaranteed a victory. But remember to act surprised and shocked after the results are announced wink wink…

APCinsta

Step #6: The Self-Portrait Diversified

You have settled your party God-father, scaled through the primaries…but now you need to take the media by storm. You need a picture that captures your love for Nigeria. This will not be easy, but that’s why we are here. Make sure you take pictures in all the main traditional attires Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo and even Ijaw. If you have time you can even do Fulani and Ibibio…

buhari collage

…but don’t forget your suit and tie for the Nigerians in the Diaspora to see you. You want to get as many votes as possible and having your portrait shown with such diversity like this will tell Nigerians how much you don’t care about their people.

buhari-nigeria-1

But if you really want to connect with Nigerians you should consider taking a picture dressed up as a jobless youth!

Step #7: The Family Portrait

Now that your individual picture is done. It’s time to show Nigerians your hot wife beautiful family and by family we mean one family. If due to your religion or lack of religion you have more than one wife/family, please send them to Dubai till after the elections.

In your picture, you want to communicate to the world that you have eyes for only one woman … and make sure that you put cute pictures of your children and grand-children. If they are not cute … send them to Dubai also…

Bottom-row-From-left-Safina-Buhari-Mrs-Aisha-BuhariHalima-Buhari-Sherifftop-row-from-right-Noor-and-Mohammed-Sheriff

Step #8: Religion Religion Religion

This step is the most important step of them all!

You cannot run for President without this step done properly. It is Religion Religion Religion! Nigerians want to know that their President is touched by the holy-spirit, Jesus and Allah … you can be stupid and Nigerians will forgive your stupidity but they will never forgive you for not being religious.

Thus you will need to get several videos/pictures of you worshiping in a religious building or healing sick children or getting blessed by a powerful religious leader. And remember it does not need to be one religious leader, you can get multiple religious leaders Catholic, Protestant and even Jesus to pray for you…all at the same time! Aso Rock is closer…

GEJ-Israel9

Step #9: Picking Your Vice President

You are almost done now. All that is left is to pick your Vice-President. After all the Vice-Presidential position is very important..because if you die (God forbid) he or she will take over.

But remember Nigeria is divided, and so you will want to pick a vice-president that will unify Nigeria…so your vice-president has to be the complete opposite of you…if you are Muslim, you VP should be Christian. If you are from the Southeast, your VP should be from the Northwest. If you are dark brown, your VP should be Oyinbo fair. If you are short your VP should be tall. If you are male … well this is the exception …. because your VP has to be male!

Aside from that small exception … your VP should be opposite from you as this will help you pick up votes from people that do not like your religion, tribe or height.

Now you and your VP are likely not going to get along because let’s face it you have nothing in common … he might even plot to take over your position … but who cares. What matters is that you become President!

Conclusion

If you follow these steps in detail you might just find yourself in Aso Rock in 2015! But, please do not keep these steps to yourself, share it and spread it … and if for some reason the better-than-Eric-Snowden staff of ofilispeaks.com missed a crucial step, feel free to share with us. We might just give you a special Presidential type prize wink wink

twitterWritten By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
Follow him on Twitter
Stalk him on Instagram
Read his crazy titled books on konga or okadabooks
Feed his children at…no wait he has no kids…but he has a BB that has sadly reached its limit.

Ofili

Author: Ofili

Words by Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
Follow him on Twitter
Stalk him on Instagram
Read his crazy titled books on konga or okadabooks
Feed his children at…no wait he has no kids…. 

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37 comments on “How To Run For President Of #Nigeria In 9 Easy Steps #PDP #APC

  1. this is serious. I love the sarcasm in this write up and the truth is clearly hidden but yet in the open.we need a change of mindset in this country.

  2. Habeebonawole on said:

    Mr Ofili you killed this article. I’m waiting for part 2 ” How to be a representative”.

    You should get to host Saturday night live.

  3. LOL very generous of you to share these priceless steps…However, you missed out Step #10: You also have to be active on Twitter using catchy hashtags and replying tweets of fellow Nigerians.

    • Ofili

      Yes o. Especially step #9 for me … our best VP and P pair in terms of chemistry was Buhari and Idiagbon and they were both Muslim. We need to stop the bi-polarization of our politics.

    • Ofili

      You know I actually wanted to make that step #10 but removed it. But very good point…you might win the Presidential style prize =D

  4. Step #10 Place Large billboards of your most pleasing smiles around.
    Not just anywhere but strategic places, freshly(but soon to collapse) dug commnity boreholes should be your priority,entrances to nice neighbourhoods and the few good roads are also good spots as they are testament to your goodwill and association with only nice things. God forbid you are associated with poor neighbourhoods,no no you’re not being high handed or condescending!, you are only saying, ‘I’m a man of prospective prosperity..vote for me and you shall see the light!’. This will rack up goodwill points too.

  5. princesa on said:

    You should share this on nairaland, its very apt for the election season, if not…permission for me to share in ur place instead, offcourse source will be directed back here.

    I always love ur articles.

  6. Ofili eeh, dis you get paid for this manual? I honorable A. Will contest using this tried and tested manual. God bless you. Allah bless you my man.

  7. Chai Ofili, I give up. You aren’t changing rara. I’m at a Medical conference and I’m busy laughing my ass off. I blame you for these strange looks

  8. Mr ofili reading this article has me laughing so hard that my stomach hurts! Rotfl. Great article man and every point is Spot on!.

  9. Pingback: Blogger @ofilispeaks Has Got a Brand New German Car* | Ofilispeaks

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