Africa Finds Its Own Cure For #Ebola

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Breaking Satirical News

1406216954701_wps_1_A_view_of_central_Lagos_tLAGOS, NIGERIA – While America is busy injecting defenseless rats with the Ebola virus to systematically extract antibodies that can maybe “cure” Ebola. A group of extraordinary Africans have come together to find a more humane and effective cure for the disease.

Sources confirm that this potential cure does not involve harming rats, monkeys or any sort of animal and neither was it created in any fancy or expensive African research University or Hospital (that is if they even exist). These brilliant scientists…I mean pastors gathered inside Africa’s most lavishly equipped and weekly funded medical research facility … the Nigerian church … where several other cures have been discovered in the past couple of years. Including the cure for Aids, the cure for Cancer, the cure for Poverty and even the cure for Boko Haram just ask Pastor T.B. Joshua!

So while America is still playing around with rats, these Nigerian pastors are hard at work trying to find a permanent Human solution for Ebola….and they are close!

Their proposed cure unofficially called Annointing-Oil-ZTM has significant advantages over the recent American Z-mappTM serum used recently on 2 American health workers. For starters it does not need to be administered intravenously … it can be administered with a simple push I mean touch of oil to the forehead. Another advantage is that the oil is not temperature sensitive. Unlike the Z-mappTTM serum that has to be kept at subzero temperature and thawed out naturally, the Annointing-Oil-ZTM has shown significant stability in both low and high temperatures.

With just a few scriptures and Annointing-Oil-ZTM patients who had the Ebola fever or Malaria fever or any kind of fever for that matter … instantly showed a dramatic improvement in their condition. Data is inconclusive at the moment on the full potential of the drug and whether it can be commercialized in the near future. However,  the initial results are promising. And as more and more pastors from top Nigerian religious institutions come together to tackle this disease, the chances of a commercial solution rise even higher.

What is most interesting about this cure is that it is 100% crowd funded by thousands of worshipers every week. In addition to that, the Government gives significant tax breaks to these religious research facilities to encourage their research work.

“Without the Government tax breaks we would struggle to maintain our research facilities and also struggle to expand our health and healing ministries,” said Nigerian Clergyman Titus Theophilus, who explained that the Government tax breaks plays a significant role in ensuring that the ministry is well funded. “Thanks to them (The Government) we are able to get our message across to other parts of West Africa and have even been able to purchase a private jet for our head Pastor in case he needs to meet with other top researchers from across the world.”

So while the American Government is busy spending millions of dollars to build top University/Hospital research facilities and killing rats and monkeys in the process. The Nigerian Governments are instead busy investing in a much humane and arguably better solution which does not put a burden on their tax payers. A solution that is powered by weekly crowd funded tithes with additional but indirect support via Government tax breaks.

At the end of the day the Nigerian solution is brilliant as it does not put any pressure on the Nigerian Government to address consistent University strike issues or even Hospital strike issues. I mean who needs fully functional medical facilities and top notch University building when your country has some of the largest and most expensive churches in the world.

At this rate, a permanent end to Ebola might just be around the corner and it will shock the world to know that the solution Annointing-Oil-ZTM was made in Nigeria!

NOTE: No rats were harmed in the writing of this article.

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Written By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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Author: Ofili

Words by Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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51 comments on “Africa Finds Its Own Cure For #Ebola

  1. Lol, anointing oil. This reminds me if two things . First, the time a girl came to my house and asked why I was using anointing oil to cook (I use olive oil). Second a story I read todAy of a prophet Adebayo saying Boko haram problem is spiritual and he will go to borno and spiritually attack them or something of the sort. I poo poo you not. Sadly our religious institutions actually get more research funding when you think of it than actual academia or industry so I doubt we can develop a cure at the moment

  2. It’s so sad. The level of hypocrisy and self righteousness in this country stinks! Our leaders aren’t even bothered. They are just there running around like headless chickens playing APC and PDP. It’s so sickening. We haven’t even recovered from the Boko Haram menance and now we are faced with something even more deadly than Boko Haram. The answers are looking right at us but we choose to blind ourselves with the veil of religion and complacency. Which way Nigeria?

  3. quite true. but come on you dont expect himto give a comprehensive list of all those who he is referring to. if anyone feels this applies to them, then they have got a guilty conscience and should stop tricking nigerians.

  4. What is all this “Annointing-Oil-ZTM”? loool.

    I like this so much

    “So while the American Government is busy spending millions of dollars to build top University/Hospital research facilities and killing rats and monkeys in the process. The Nigerian Governments are instead busy investing in a much humane and arguably better solution which does not put a burden on their tax payers. A solution that is powered by weekly crowd funded tithes with additional but indirect support via Government tax breaks.”

    So apt!
    Adesoji latest post is The Blessings of Ebola for AfricaMy Profile

  5. “So while the American Government is busy spending millions of dollars to build top University/Hospital research facilities and killing rats and monkeys in the process. The Nigerian Governments are instead busy investing in a much humane and arguably better solution which does not put a burden on their tax payers. A solution that is powered by weekly crowd funded tithes with additional but indirect support via Government tax breaks.”

    #LWKMD.

    Ebola is not something to laugh about, but men you nailed the satire down to a T. We won’t see significant progress in the nation if we do not develop capacity and infrastructures along with it.
    Monale latest post is Why are you so Masculine?My Profile

  6. Some things make you wonder really; when you consider how much we prioritise religion and invest in it, you’ll wonder how it’s possible that these things still occur. Some religious person will probably come and offer some irrational explanation about it. The keyword being “irrational”. Because really if you think about it, it doesn’t make any sense that these misfortunes will happen to us. One of the “researchers” I heard, said anyone with ebola should stay put in their country. You know shit just got real when the same “God” that predicts matches, plane crashes, death of presidents and pop stars, wants nothing to do with ebola. It is well.

  7. NWOKE SHALDON on said:

    lol….I don’t believe in any religion solution…after all, our main problems are caused due to religion. boko haram issue is as a result of religion. as much as many religion we have in this world still we face bigger problems than we can imagine. if all were true we would have less problems

  8. I wasnt expecting a satirical and I started reading with the deepest celestial concentration but hey, ots a good way to start my day .

    (y)

  9. Lmaoo, Ofili i biakwa! Why won’t Americans have treatment already ready for their people? Can you blame them for keeping it for their citizens first. Abegi. Emergency preparedness is a key factor in any nation, especially from a public health standpoint.

    Nigeria, let us continue to be there saying dyarrisagodo. No be today wey ebola begin dey knack us. *sips tea*

  10. I dont understand why Ofili choose to make a big joke out of a serious situation, i totally disagree with this satire whic doesnt help us move forward as a country in any known way. While we sit here laughing and cracking jokes over a health epidemic its gradually coming to your door and BOOM its all over you. Nigerians must learn to be serious when there is need for seriousness. (Am BT and this is my opinion over this article.)

    • Benjamin,

      This is true that it is a serious situation, however the idea of satire doesn’t discredit the growing endemic . IMO, it brings another avenue of conversation and possible solutions to the topic for those who don’t always want to cry and bone face when discussing serious matters. As a Nigerian, you too should know that is not always our modus operandi.

      Lol, haba.

  11. Nnedimma on said:

    And now they patiently (pun not intended but acknowledged) await awards from St. Peter and PETA as well as other discerning spiritual and animal health organisations.

  12. Fortune on said:

    i think one of our many problems in this country, is tackling our problems with the wrongest *pardon my english* and most inappropriate means available to us. What we (Nigerians) do most is go to church to pray instead of getting medication for ailments. Even the bible says “faith without work is useless”. We need orientation in this country oooo, serious orientation.

  13. Funny article

    You weren’t quite accurate
    Actually all the believers in Church and not just the pastors can carry the anointing.

    My prayer is that amidst all the jokes, the Liberia, Congo, Guinea, the patients who suffer from this disease that is every man’s muse or joke may find the Jesus who heals, delivers and sets free even today.

    He is not in any church, He can come and live in your heart where you are located and make them new.

    May God forgive you for this, Ofili.

    I steer clear of mocking God and spiritual things especially when I don’t understand it. Now that I do, I give honour to whom it is due.
    Theresa Doghor latest post is The devil really is afraid of you no matter how weak you think you are.My Profile

    • Ofili
      Ofili on said:

      Theresa you are allowed to believe what you want honestly its a free world =D

      But for me , I am not looking for Jesus to heal Africa from Ebola. I am looking for our Hospitals and Universities to be able to do this.

      • How?
        I responded because I am not just a Christian
        I am a scientist so I know the indices of producing vaccines
        I have a brother-in-law who is a doctor and a sister who majored in toxicity so if anyone has information I do.
        It is not possible to create a vaccine except the scientist share with us the protein complex they used in developing the serums
        what you want is unrealistic in one month and even in 3 months it is still unrealistic.

        Cheers.
        Theresa Doghor latest post is The devil really is afraid of you no matter how weak you think you are.My Profile

        • Manny on said:

          Theresa “so if anyone has information I do”
          I’m a doctor with 3 doctor siblings. So if anyone has information I do. Our gateman says 4 of my ogas are doctors so if anyone has information, I do. His wife says, my husband’s 4 ogas are doctors so if anyone has information, I do. That’s another problem with Nigeria. Everybody is an authority on every subject because they know someone who is an authority on the subject.

        • Ofili

          Your first response had nothing to do with science. All you talked about was ” May God forgive you for this, Ofili.” and “may find the Jesus who heals” and “Actually all the believers in Church and not just the pastors can carry the anointing.” and I steer clear of mocking God and spiritual things”

          But then all of a sudden you are saying you responded not as a Christian but a scientist? Seems like you are trying to claw back your words. But like I say always everyone has a right to disagree.

  14. You, my friend, are one hell of a crazy fellow. This post got me laughing like its no man’s business. This is the first time I am commenting on any of your post, although I really do love them. So, I’ll just say this – more grease, hummm sorry, anointing oil Z, to your elbow. Keep up the good work.

  15. I wholeheartedly share your vexation, bro. In fact, I’m thinking to spray a red X mark on the wall and smash my head against it. Because it seems, of a truth, do we really think in Africa? Truth to be told, I’m Africa’s problem, because, well, while my white counterparts stand on their feet seeking to make a difference, I’m panicking and wishing desperately that Ebola scrams totally from Africa. What in the world am I doing about it? And that church part, we’re used to it in Nigeria. But I strongly believe something is going to happen soon: tired and vexed Nigerians will start hurling shit in the face of so-called Men of The Devil (not men of my own God).

      • I’m a demon chasing tongue speaking Christian yet I disagree with u. Religion not Christianity is d greatest problem of our society, where other countries are fighting disease and crime, we run to the pastors who tell us “God wants to heal someone who can donate…” crime is endemic in Nigeria yet no where is Christianity no! Religion practiced more. God is found in the bible, not in billion dollar buildings with jet flying pastors.’e go beta’ attitude does not build societies, seriousness and accountability does.

        • You disagree with me about what? you were not clear. Christianity is the hope of our world. Did I mention any jet flying pastors? Keep your eyes on God. Accountability comes from practiced Christianity starting with you and I.
          Theresa Doghor latest post is What I learned today.My Profile

  16. Ezzyking on said:

    Religion is a very serious issue all over the world. There’s no doubt about the fact that most churches are playing very vital roles in Nigeria. Free counseling,keeping people sane,free medical check ups,feeding,solving accommodation problems, financial assistance,giving hope to people in a hopeless society. I disagree with the generalization though. Cos almost every thing good original ,would have a fake. This is a very serious issue though.

  17. Sir,

    Nice article.

    It’s unfortunate that a number of people in the church have represented and continue to represent themselves badly, however, that does not diminish what prayer through Jesus Christ can do! Also, the sciences are not excluded from the domain of Christ. Please do look through history and you will find that pioneers -too many to list- of medicine were believers of and in Christ.

    The portrayal of people who choose faith in Christ as their soul source of healing instead of conventional medicine as stupid and ignorant isn’t fair. Like you rightly said in one of your responses to an earlier comment; you are free to believe what you want, but portraying others as stupid, ignorant, and otherwise isn’t fair.

    I am a Christian, I believe in that Jesus heals. I declare it boldly. I join my faith with those laying at those churches that indeed they will be fully healed in Jesus name. I also pray for the doctors and researchers laboring tirelessly in the labs for wisdom from Jesus for them. They are needed too.

  18. I think the article is funny and hits shockingly close to home! I don’t understand how people can take offense to someone expressing their opinion.

    Akin’s response is only great example of how a wise christian should feel about anything health related.

    Re: Theresa…if you understand how vaccines are made, why do you think we need someone to “give you the protein serum”? Where do you think they got it from in the first place?

    I’m so sick of people waiting for others to come save them. We have the knowledge, we have the capacity, we can do this ourselves!! If you think for a second that drug companies and developed countries are going to spend their time and money on health issues that do not affect them…you are mistaken. Think Sickle Cell, think fibroids, think malaria…hell..think HIV!! The only reason they even started working on it was because it could potentially be an issue for their people.
    Fabgrad latest post is PhDone….Now What?My Profile

  19. For your information, research on ZMapp…Zmab, was published in October 2013.. (http://stm.sciencemag.org/content/5/207/207ra143.full#title9) which means the work was probably completed in 2012…so we’ve had access to the information for almost two years.
    And in 2011, a paper was published on how to make antibodies against the ebola virus using plants! (http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0026040)

    You don’t need to be a scientist or know somebody who’s neighbor’s cousin’s stepbrother’s wife is a doctor to use your brain. The information is out there
    Let’s stop making excuses o!
    Fabgrad latest post is PhDone….Now What?My Profile

  20. The fact that this information out there makes it even more sad that the preachers are praying for a cure that God has already provided! “My people perish from lack of knowledge”!
    I’m done!
    Fabgrad latest post is PhDone….Now What?My Profile

  21. This Ebola outbreak has once again shown how helpless and backward Nigeria is in terms of medical research and research funding;how so reliant the country is on foreign aid. But the truth is that every development assistance from these western countries has either political and economic interests as one of their motivators; and one may never tell when these interests (the donor western countries stand to gain) outweigh the benefits (to the recipient African countries), and whether it would be detrimental to these recipient countries or not (though the foreign aids like the $200 million pledged by the World Bank have gone a long way to take care of a lot otherwise tough, if the African countries are left on their own, issues which might never been dealt with).
    Okechukwu Amako latest post is Ebola virus and the Future of Containing very Highly Infectious Diseases.My Profile

  22. I want to say a very big thanks to dr who
    cured me from Ebola disease, I was
    infected with this deadly Ebola disease last
    two months, I tried all my possible best to
    look for a way out to get a cure, but
    unfortunately, there was no way out,I was
    homily downed, my life was turned upside
    down and I was so frustrated in life,i don’t
    know what to do really, I went to many
    specialised hospitals no way out, I tried
    pastors and prophetess no way out, on a
    certain blissful morning I decided to read
    more news about Ebola virus on the
    internet, and there I found out how many
    people where all saying encourage able
    words about DR DOCKEY, then I decided to
    give a try to it, I email and called dr on
    phone, he told me to send him my
    information’s after I have done that, he ask
    me to pay some amounts which I did, and
    he said the drugs/herbal medicines to me,
    and told me to take them for three days,
    after I have done that, healing from
    nowhere just appeared immediately after
    taking the medicine for jut three day, I was so surprise, I quickly directed him to a
    friend of mine who was infected too, he
    also was cured after three days I am so
    happy to meet him, may God bless him and
    give him more long life prosperity in Jesus
    name AMEN email dr via
    DR.DOCKEYSPELLTEMPLE@LIVE.com
    doctor phone number is
    thanks from randy Scott

  23. Pingback: Afro: The Girl With The Magical Hair | Antidote Street

  24. esther on said:

    God did save us from Ebola Mr. Ofili! he gave Dr Adadevoh the wisdom to prevent the Liberian guy from moving into your city of lagos! she even lost her life. stop comparing us to Oyibo and be grateful because no one knew what typr of disease it was he was carrying and no one could have given him a “super vaccine” before he left! God works in little things! when we are grateful for these, He will help us to do more. besides, Oyibo are not as powerful or more powerful than God. their people still die of many diseases and usually they take living people off life support because they can no longer help them.

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